So today we are going to flip the tables.
We're gonna turn things around from last week's episode where you got all of the questions from me this week, it is all your turn to ask me whatever you wanna ask, whatever you want, our listeners to hear and learn about me and my experience and from me.
So the floor is all yours.
Ask me anything you want.
How about it? All right about this.
I am.
Let's get started.
Here we go.
Um First question, how is our actual dom sub dynamic different than what you visualized it to be and all of your fantasizing about it and how is it the same? Oh You came out gunning, didn't you? Um I would say that it's different in the ways that it's the things that make it good.
Now are the things that are different than what I would have imagined it to be.
The, the fantasy version of Dumb Sub.
Usually in, at least for me involved a lot of um a lot, it was a lot less about intimacy.
Hm.
And the thing that it has done so much for, not only for us is it it's made intimacy deeper between us.
But it's also opened me up more to being able to be close to you, to feel the real love that you have for me.
And the before I had done all of my own work, my own healing work, there was a lot of me that thought I knew what being loved really was or what it would feel like if I really had the love in my life that I wanted or that I thought I wanted and I didn't know because what I thought I wanted was so based in all of the neediness that I felt that what I really needed and what our dom sub dynamic is made available to me is something very different than the, the fantasy version of Dumb Sub.
How it's similar to what I imagined it to be or what I fantasized it to be is really more of what it's become later on and more recently for us, like we're starting to experience now, more of what I always thought the fantasy was gonna be like.
So I guess maybe what I didn't know is that it, how much stuff would need to be worked through in order for it to get to the point where I may be imagined that it could, did you ever lose hope along the way that it when it was maybe not moving as fast as you wanted it to the hope of the possibility of what could be.
I had my moments, I had my moments where I thought that this just wasn't gonna work the way that I had hoped that it would.
And interestingly enough, I realized several times that when I got to the point where I'm like, fuck, I don't know if this is gonna, if this can work.
And there's something about that energy like the surrendering the letting go of whatever it was that I was trying for what wasn't going well, there's something about me being like, fuck it.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
That seemed like it made things start to work.
And I learned a lot in that because I learned how my own letting go is what allowed you to come along where I was trying to take you anyway, I learned that through this process and I've put that into, into a more active kind of approach that I take now in knowing where I want to go, knowing where I want to lead us, but also staying detached from forcefulness around it.
Yeah.
So there's that theme again, mutual surrender.
100% like, you know, there's another thing about what I thought it would look like versus what it does look like.
I had no idea how much I would need to let go of versus just what I assumed would be getting everything that I wanted.
And I might add to that, that maybe it was more of the methods that you thought you would get to where we're at, the, the methods you would use if I knew then what I know now there would absolutely be different methods.
That's one of the things I love about what we get to do for a living now is I tried and failed and needed to re invent the ways that I was going about everything.
So many times that I can help people find their way to what it is that they want because I've tried all of the things that didn't work.
Yeah, I said, I see just the beauty and what we get to share because I'm like, wow, that took me a long time to come to that realization and now I can share it and maybe someone else doesn't have to take that long.
Great.
And that is a part of teaching people is it does get to be for them a bit of a shortcut through the process, but they still have to own it for themselves.
Absolutely.
And so their work when they work with us, when they learn from us, like in rapture or in our one on one coaching, they can learn it, they can hear it and not get it at all.
And it can be something we like took years to come to that.
We can just give them on a silver platter, but just like I could give you everything that I knew was right for you and all the ways I wanted to lead you on a silver platter.
It doesn't just make it easy.
No.
And it's easy to look back and think.
Oh, wow.
Like you, you have clarity looking back and so it maybe would have taken just as long.
But anyway, OK, anything else you wanna share there? No.
Give me the next one.
All right.
What has been the most rewarding thing for you about being a dominant but more so specifically my dominant.
And then I'm gonna ask you what's the most challenging thing? So the question was the most rewarding thing, the feeling of fulfillment that I get to experience when I see you coming more into yourself.
When I see you connecting to you, when I know that you were not connected to who you are at all before.
So seeing you come alive, I wrote this in an Instagram post a long time ago like watching someone come alive before my very eyes is what the process of seeing you follow me and come to life is like I'm witnessing the birth of a human being out of a human being.
So seeing you learn from me, listen to me, hear me, trust me, follow me and then watching what you absorb from me.
Mm Like you bloom like a flower.
There's nothing that could ever compare to that.
It's really not about what I get.
It's about what I get to watch you experience.
That's the most rewarding for me.
Yeah, I have a lot of gratitude for you now, even more so than before.
Like, it's hard to imagine that I showed up differently in the past for you.
So I'm not gonna think about that.
That goes both ways.
We both have a lot of ways we would have done things differently if we knew better.
Yeah, for sure.
And as for the most challenging part of being your dominant, it's been the process of the times when I see truth, when I know what's right, when I know where it is that we need to go together or where it is that you need to go.
And I watch your ego dig its heels in and resist so hard, the things that are the most right for you and seeing you so convinced by yourself, which is really being convinced by your past programming.
It's being convinced by the things that you took on and absorbed and believed about yourself way before we ever were a thing.
Those pieces of you talking you out of what's best for you and sometimes even convincing you that I'm trying to do something destructive to you when I know that it is all heart and truth behind what I'm bringing.
That's the most challenging thing because it's like I'm communicating with a monster inside of you and I can't even get through it to the real you.
And so then I have to like, my leadership has to step out of going where I know is right? And all of my energy has to go into just getting past those walls and does.
And do you feel like that is one of the examples of the time when you've had to, and lead to surrender a bit more in terms of patience? Yes.
Like surrender of timeline.
Yes.
But I'm long past surrendering, giving up on what I know to be true.
I will pursue the truth until the day that I die.
Whether that's in you and myself or in the world when I see something.
That's right.
And I know it's right.
I won't ever stop trying to make it real.
I like the word you use their monster because in my experience of those times, that's what I feel like I become, it is a monster and it like it's, it's almost like something else takes over and I didn't always catch that and feel that way.
But I, the less frequently that I experience that, the more, um able I am to see it at least eventually, especially once you call out the truth.
Well, the difference is so stark.
Yeah, it, and it becomes more, it becomes more stark and more obvious, the less you live in that energy because let's be real.
You lived in that energy.
24 7, like a monster.
Yeah.
24 7 monster.
Absolute.
You're a Tasmanian devil just destroying it.
No, I'm kidding.
But now it's so obvious because it's so diff when that energy comes up, it's so different than what it's like being with you most of the time.
And I know what it is.
As soon as I feel you start to close, as soon as soon as I feel your energy start to pull back.
And I see the look on your face and I feel, you know, it happened yesterday and I haven't even told you this yet, but I felt it while you were cause you left on a walk and I finished with what I was doing and I came out of my office and you were gone on a walk and I knew you had been planning to go for a walk anyway.
But I felt that something was off, something wasn't right.
And I knew it.
So the difference is so stark and it's so big that it just has to be like it has to be dealt with when it comes up.
Yeah, I was pretty certain of that answer because I feel like that's been clearly the most challenging thing for me as well.
So next question, what have you learned about yourself through our journey together? That everything that I thought was confidence in my life before was just fake.
It was me trying to put on a show.
It was me trying to act as if I was confident as if I was strong as if I had some sense of inner alignment or self worth.
I learned that I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know how to have a backbone.
I learned that I was just, I lived most of my life full of shit and I put on a pretty good show for a lot of people and I gave off a lot of appearances of success.
I had a very successful business.
I um my life is looked very prosperous from the outside, but it was just a mess in here and in what it's taken me to step into leadership inside of this dumb sub dynamic.
I have learned what actual solid confidence feels like when it's not based in insecurity, when it's based in alignment with who I am, when I figured out who I am and I can just live as that.
I've learned what it feels like to be to actually be confident, the amount of humility that comes with that kind of confidence versus hubris.
There, there is no arrogance in con in real confidence.
There's no hubris in real confidence.
It's a very humbling thing to feel as though I get to live my life in complete alignment with who I am inside and out with that much integrity.
So I've learned not only who I am but how to be myself.
Yeah, and experiencing that shift in you like is definitely part of excuse me, what has allowed me to be where I'm at today and to really soften into you because I looked at you and I've always admired you always, but you are a very different man today than you were even just a few years ago and beyond.
So, thank you for committing to this journey together.
Takes two.
It sure does.
So, you know, one thing I've read it before is, you know, I had religion in my past and when we stepped out of organized religion together, I knew that I would circle back around when my time was to really come into connection with who and what God was.
And you know, something else, there's more and more things that come from my past experience, things from the Bible that it's like, oh, ok, like making sense of what is prayer.
And the other one that I would always hear is something to the point of like God has a path for your life.
And I'd be like, ok, it made me feel like I had to figure out what that perfect path was.
And it honestly made me feel like a failure because all of these things that religion were telling me that I was doing was sinful.
And so something else that has really circled back around is that soul connection and feeling this purpose evolving in me, but not by myself.
It's been through your truth, your connection to consciousness.
So how do you know what that truth was for me? How did, how did you see that in me and therefore know what you saw was quote unquote, right? This really get, that's a deep question.
It's a really good one because this not only gets at what I see in you, but it gets at how do I embody consciousness? How does a man, a human being become the embodiment of consciousness of knowing of truth? So it starts with a connection to my own gut, to my own intuition, to my own just feeling what's right.
And I've had that at points throughout my life, just these very, very profound moments of clarity where I just know what is and what is not.
I've been more and less connected to it throughout my whole life depending on lots of different circumstances when I wasn't really living in my own body, in my own, you know, like I said before, in my own alignment to truth, but in, in applying that to you and how I know where to take you or what's right for you or what's true for you, I feel when you come alive and I feel when you go dead behind the eyes, when you are open and when you're closed, when you are full of aliveness and when you are not.
And I also know that when you shut yourself down to something, when you close yourself off to something or avoid something, there's a reason you're avoiding it.
So if I could put an instruction manual to how to see into you and know what's right for you is to see where you, where those two things happen.
At the same time where at times there's absolute aliveness and joy.
And then at other times, there's absolute avoidance and shut down and hiding from that same thing that is evidence that not only is it right for you because it brings you alive, but because some part of you is trying to avoid it.
So there's a truth in that that needs to be seen and exposed and brought into the light.
Yeah.
And your continuous sharing of what you saw in me.
Like eventually, it was like, I can't keep lying to myself anymore, even though I didn't know I was lying to myself.
Like it's like we've been through lots of rounds of this.
But eventually, even though that ego still works actively, um I feel like the coming back around has gotten so much easier for me.
And I want to bring this back to what you were talking about previously in your confidence in watching and experiencing you connect to this consciousness through you.
Like something just shifted dramatically in you.
And like there's no words to describe what I experience through you and in you like, and it shows physically in your mannerisms, your eyes, your facial expressions, like you can't hide when you feel connected deeply to that truth, especially of what you're drawing out in me.
And like, I can't disregard that anymore.
There is a profound confidence that grows in me when I continue to push into those edges with you.
Now, for anyone listening to this, we have 15 years as a couple, we have five years of 24 7 dumb sub relating.
This isn't brand new relationship and I'm telling you what's right for your life.
This is based on a lot of deep knowing and trust and intimacy.
But when I push into those edges for you or I push you into them.
And in the moments when the ego is suppressed, when it's not resisting and you follow me there and you come to life like that blooming flower, I see you as you like, I feel you as something very aligned, that same alignment that I talked about in here in myself.
I see you coming into alignment.
In those moments.
I see everything that I know about you.
All of the times I've seen you come to life before coming into truth in this moment and I see you free.
And so when I see the more I've seen you like that, the more I've seen you follow me into those places and see you come alive and then see you pull back and suppress that same thing that brought you alive.
It gives me a confidence in knowing that I'm going in the right direction that I'm taking you to the right place.
And that the only thing stopping me from being able to experience you that alive all the time is whatever is causing that resistance, whatever it's causing that pullback or that hiding or that shutdown from the truth.
And so the more confident I've become in knowing that I'm going to the right place, the more intense my pursuit of it has become because that does something extremely special for me being able to feel you that alive.
Yeah.
And the more alive that I feel, the more I want and, you know, looking back it, it was more infrequent and I'm thankful for the continuing, continuing to follow you in that because you truly have made the real me come alive.
And you know, my experience of that has felt different.
Sometimes I felt s or I feel so seen at such a deep level and it drops me to my knees in tears, this piece of me and that was so hidden.
But then I've also experienced the immediate ego when I become a monster and that monster is trying to keep it hidden and that does not feel good at all.
So I wanna take that on a little tangent.
I know you didn't ask this question, but I'm gonna answer the question, which is I've always wanted to feel you fully alive, fully in your arrows, fully in your, like in your body and in your joy and in your sparkle because you do like if there's a word that describes how you feel when you are alive, it's like you sparkle inside and out, I love that.
Thank you.
In order for me to bring that to life for you.
Obviously, like we're talking about here, I have to help you through your own ego's resistance.
I have to be able to lead you through your own walls that you can't even see.
And if I collapse and if I fall apart in the process of trying to help you, not only are you not going to be able to follow me? I'm gonna give you more evidence of why it's not safe to follow me.
And this is why the man has to go first in the emotional healing work.
And this is a hell I will die on.
And the men hate it when I say this, men absolutely despise this.
But you need to get into therapy first.
You need to heal your traumas first.
I had to do all of this because you didn't really start letting go and trusting me and following me and letting me tell you this is what's right for you.
And I know it until I stopped falling apart all the time and getting defensive all the time and being we, I had to be strong enough for you to be able to lean on me when you were going through your stuff.
The man has to go first.
I had to go first.
If you were over there doing your work, waiting for me to come along.
It's never like we're never gonna get to where we are.
Right.
Nothing happened until I got stronger.
Nothing got better, closer, more sexual, more intimate, more loving in this relationship until I got better.
Period.
I agree 100%.
And maybe that doesn't feel fair to the men who are gonna hear this because it does hurt like it.
It's hurtful to me when you shut down, when you go blank, when you hide from your truth and from your essence and that energy isn't there for me.
It hurts.
It sucks, especially when I know it's in there.
Right? And so it would be really easy to play the victim and say, well, I'll do it when you actually give me what I need.
You can't give me what I need until I've already been, become strong enough for you to feel safe enough to let go.
Right? Because I have to surrender into something I can't surrender into absolutely nothing.
Yeah.
Right.
A woman will never surrender into a weak man's consciousness, period.
Right? What's your next question for me? You're sitting over there all starry eyed.
I, I just feel that one deeply.
Um So do you have anything to share in? You know, I've witnessed you in coaching other people in coaching our groups.
How do you see this truth in others? How do you draw that forward? How do you know I feel it? It's similar to when we met, which was on a job interview when I was interviewing you to work for my new business that I was starting and I hired you on the spot, like at the first interview, I hired you right there.
You started a couple days later and I just knew that this was right and it turned out to be, well, not only great now, 15, well, even more than 15 years later, like 1718 years later, but in the, the hiring decision, it was absolutely right.
So when I'm working with people that I maybe don't know, but they're sharing their challenges with me, the solution is usually in the challenge, the thing that's the hardest for them.
It's something I learned from Milton Erickson who was a famous hypnotherapist.
One of his and this, this guy was magical in the way that he helped people change their realities.
One of the things that he would always do is prescribe the symptom.
He would send people into the thing that they wanted to get away from, to go farther into it and to see so that they could see for themselves why they actually wanted to change, why they wanted to be different.
It's one of the things I do with people when I'm coaching and mentoring them is I will encourage them to do more of the thing that they're currently trying to avoid so that the pain of staying the same gets bigger than the pain of changing because we'll never change until the pain of change is smaller than the pain of staying where we are.
So sometimes that pain has to be amplified.
Otherwise it just gets really easy to stay with the familiar discomfort over the unfamiliar potential pain of changing.
Oh my gosh.
Just hearing you speak about it that way I can see with clarity.
Now, looking back how that played out for me and the all the letting go that has been required of me to be who I am today.
When someone has a really strong desire for something in their life and especially when that desire is sticky, it stays with them over time through other life changes, things evolve in their lives.
But this one desire sticks with them through all of it.
That's evidence to me that there's some truth in that desire.
There's something there, maybe it's not what they think they're gonna get out of that.
But pursuing that desire will bring them to truth that is necessary for their own unfolding, completely agree there by experience.
So I will always encourage people to pursue those desires.
Sometimes the only thing in pursuing those desires for them at this particular time is the opportunity to face the way that their ego will rise up and try to stop them from having it.
But I believe that resistance, strong, persistent aggressive, resistance to something that would feel good is always evidence of being on the right path.
There's something there or you wouldn't be trying so hard to keep yourself from seeing it.
Yes.
Absolutely.
And that's what we call the monster.
That is your monster.
Yes.
Mhm.
Describe your experience of what union and oneness together has felt like when we are in that energy, that full connection together, what it feels like to me is first and foremost, like your experience of life emotionally is my experience of life.
We've talked before about the feminine emotional experience being kind of like not just being on a roller coaster but being the roller coaster.
And that's not just up and down.
It's not just like this is always terrible because it's so unpredictable.
Like the ups are up and the downs are down and the in between is maddening and I in the depth of connection that I get to have with you.
I am strapped in and locked down into that roller coaster with you.
I have no ability to separate myself from it if you go down.
So do I, if you go up? So do I and not in a way that's not in a way that feels like I've given up my own backbone, but in a way that feels like I've let you in so deeply that I'm just, I'm there with you.
We're not separate in any way.
And so I get to be on this, this emotional ride with you.
So that's one thing being in that, that union with you.
Another thing is the again the confidence that I get that I feel in myself when I know that you move just as certainly at my command as my own hand moves, when I decide that it's gonna lift up or lower down when we operate as one unit physically and knowing and trusting that you will go where I need you to go along with me, feeling all of the feelings that you have in response to that.
It really does feel as though we are one unit or one cohesive unit moving together.
Yeah.
So back to the first part of what you shared there.
Um This is where that word aliveness comes back and it's not just an emotional roller coaster like you can hear that term and think.
Oh man, that sounds horrifying and I agree because I don't like roller coasters.
But to me, what I have really come into experiencing is it's about the aliveness and when I am in all of my arrows and I'm bringing it all to you like life is fucking great.
But if I disconnect from that and I used to more frequently.
Um and without recognizing this, I would look at you like being responsible for it.
And that was a huge realization for me that I need to own my aliveness.
I need to create my own pleasure and aliveness for me and share it all with you.
And the more that I come into that, the more we don't experience those long lulls those long downtime and, and the more I am able to rebound, I guess if I do have one of those times where I do fall for the ego.
But le let me just finish this because this is why I was speaking about it is I, I have a different experience of you, but it's because of me, it's where this is a relationship is 100% 100% all in and the more that I've seen that and really recognized and owned it.
Um The more aliveness I get to experience all the time.
Yeah, because this is where oneness and unity is different than codependence.
Yes, because codependent would say I need you to be like this or I'm not OK where this experience of union is you saying I need to bring all of myself for your own sake and for what it does for this connection, it's not you doing it because you think I need you to, it's you doing it because you need to.
Yeah.
And it's me doing, bringing all of me bringing all of that truth, bringing all of that connection and presence that you rely on that.
You count on so much in doing it even when I don't fucking want to because I need to and because I know that you count on it not because I'm trying to get something out of you by doing it.
But because I know it's my responsibility to bring this to you and to embody my half of this whole because like you said, 101 100 it's 100% on both sides.
But my 100 is made up half of you and your 100 is made up of half me.
And so you've got to bring all of you in order to receive the other half that you need from me.
And I have to bring all of my half in order to receive the other half that I need so that we can both be at 100% for each other.
Absolutely.
All right.
What's one of the most impactful decisions you have made in leading me and leading our relationship tracking your menstrual cycle.
Tell me more.
We're going on almost four years now that I have every single day been tracking where you are at in your cycle and how you show up differently in different parts of your cycle and doing that has given me more insight into what your experience of yourself is.
It's given me more compassion for you.
It's made things that seemed like they were chaotic actually make a lot of sense.
It's helped me lead you in different ways that are more and more aligned to what is right for you.
Like not pushing you when it's natural for you to be lower energy, doing more of our social activities at times when you are more outgoing and when you have more of the energy in your system to give and to not drain you at times when you're already maybe more naturally drained.
But there's nothing that I can think of that's more, been more impactful in my own experience of being able to lead you then starting to tune into and give acceptance and appreciation.
Ok.
And really honoring what it is that makes you a woman rather than looking at it as this inconvenient thing where one week a month you're shut down and then nothing else makes sense why it's up and down for the other three weeks, out of the month because it doesn't make sense to us as men because we generally feel the same every day unless there's a reason we don't.
And so we project that over onto women and we think that you're gonna be the same every day unless there's some reason you don't.
And then when you don't seem the same, we assume that there's some reason why and we want to help you, we want to fix you when in reality you're probably just absolutely OK.
It's just the way you are right now.
I would agree with all of that.
And what I got to experience from it was this what felt like a permission from you to actually be chaos because let's be real like we hormonally change throughout the month.
It's not just three weeks of same and one week of a period, it's not even that it's changing so much and it really was an important piece of my self acceptance and like you said, the depths of being a woman and everything that, that involves.
So I would agree with that.
I, I could keep talking more, but like that has been a very, very important piece of our relationship.
And I will add, it's not like you shared all of whatever you about in relation to me.
But, but you get to remind me, especially when I'm like, I'm just feeling kind of tired today and you're like, you're on day 26 extend yourself some compassion and just that in itself is just like, thank you, you know, my needs again.
Thank you.
And it lets me do that and give some of that to you.
But it also gives me things that you don't ever even see.
Yes, I will plan something for us that we're planning on doing three or four months from now because I'm si have so much history and I, I can know pretty damn close when you're going to get your period around like when it's going to be your birthday or my birthday.
And I can plan for us to do anything special I might have for us to do at a time of the month that is going to be the most suitable for it.
That's gonna have where you're gonna have the most energy for it.
So you don't have to try to, we get there and now you're having to push yourself through, not feeling up to it, but trying to show up anyway because you're going to want to and I know you will.
But if I can make it easy for us, why wouldn't I? And so there are things I could keep talking for a long time about that that you don't even see or know they're just a part of how I set our lives up that I just do in alignment with knowing your cycle, knowing how, how you are and how you are more likely to be.
And that can be planning the exciting things during like the follicular ovulation stages.
It can also mean planning the times when we're going to have rest vacation, relaxation when it's also gonna be a time when you need that.
Right.
Yes.
So this, it's the most impactful thing because it's interwoven into every single way that I lead you into every single way that I lead.
This relationship is to set us up for success based on the truth of what makes you a woman.
Yes.
Thank you for that.
All of that.
What is one important piece of advice that you can share that you have learned through our dominance and submission journey together.
It's this idea of polarity.
We, we didn't know what these words meant.
I think it was back in episode 13, we talked more about masculine, feminine energies and polarity and we learned all of this because we were experiencing it.
We were experiencing something bigger than just what we thought Dumb Sub was gonna be like or what I thought Dumb Sub was gonna be like this deeper connection developing.
And we went looking for what is this? And that's where we came across this idea of polarity.
And there are so many word salads made out of what polarity is and what masculine energy is and what feminine energy is and all of this.
And the way that I like to say this is that polarity is very practical.
It's a spiritual thing.
It's an energetic thing, but it is a very practical way of making everything work.
And any time that something isn't working between us, when I come back to the concept of polarity and the way that I've come to understand it and the way that I've come to teach it to others, I can decode any relationship problem we're having or any relationship problem anyone is having in about 30 seconds.
And if they're willing to hear the answers, if they're willing to challenge their preconceived notions and trust that I know what I'm talking about, I can fix any relationship extremely quickly.
If both people are on board and willing to let go and drop their resistance and their resentment polarity is that practical.
It's a practical solution to every relationship problem.
It makes everything work.
You just have to put the right thing in the right place and let go of putting the wrong things in the wrong place and you can make everything work.
That's how you can have both passionate sex and close loving intimacy with the same person.
The things that are assumed are diametric opposites like to have passion.
You can't have closeness and intimacy.
But if you can't have closeness and intimacy in a relationship that's passionate and intense.
But you can, when you, when you work with the practical realities of what polarity is, it has been really fun to witness light bulbs go off as I watch you bring forth again, this goes back to that other question.
Just a simple truth and being able to see into people's experiences like it truly is a gift of yours.
And it's so fun to, um, experience firsthand for myself.
But witness being displayed to other people beyond me, it's one of my favorite things that I get to do when I get to sit down with a couple who love each other, they want things to work.
They're both committed to making it work.
But there's just stuff that, that just festers and they can't figure out how to make it work.
And I can usually in an hour, if they can hear me, I can give them everything they'll need to know to make it better.
Yeah.
And watch the light bulbs come on when they realize what they didn't know or maybe what they already knew but didn't trust in themselves to follow.
Like it's, it, is that practical and it's, it's the most fun that I have watching people go.
000, that's the thing I didn't that I was missing.
Definitely rewarding.
All right, one more important question.
How have you worked through separating, having your needs met versus what was coming from a place of neediness? So, when I have a need it, it feels like a really important want and there's this, there's this line that I think a lot of people walk between, what, what do I really need and what do I actually just want.
So the first thing is to get beyond neediness, we have to accept that it's ok to want.
Like I had, I've had to accept that it's ok for me to desire because if I'm judging my own desire, if I'm judging my own wants, then I'm gonna get needy for having the things that I want because I do want them.
So I have to be able to bring acceptance to it being ok for me to want what I want.
If I can't do that, it's gonna come out sideways, it's gonna come out as neediness or manipulative um energy around something.
But in one other thing too is in order to have your needs met, you have to be willing to accept what are actually needs and stop dismissing something is like, well, I, I wouldn't die without it.
So I must not actually need it.
When in reality, there are things that, that we need as human beings in order to live that alive, that fully alive life, make sure maybe I wouldn't physically die if I didn't have this particular want or desire met.
But I might die inside and be one of those people who is still walking around with my heart beating, but just be emotionally dead, spiritually dead, spiritually dead.
So like I've had to stop judging myself for wanting what I want for desiring what I desire.
When I do that, then I, I tend to stop feeling so needy about it because I don't have to try to figure out a way to get it because I feel like I do still want it.
And I'm just trying to talk myself out of wanting it.
So it's, it's really a lot for me about not having such a hard line around what is a need and what's a want and I kind of lump it together into desire and then letting go of timelines and attachments and how fast is this thing going to come to me? And that comes back to the emotion, doing the emotional work being where the man needs to do this work first because if I'm coming across to you as needy, it's never gonna feel safe to you to let go and trust me because it's gonna feel like I'm just trying to get something from you because I am right.
And it's repulsive to the feminine.
Say it again.
What is a man, a needy man to a woman? It feels repulsive, which is the exact opposite of what you're going for.
So doing that, that emo that inner emotional work to be ok with myself as I am to feel solid in, in here in me along with not judging my own desires and suppressing them is how I've let go of neediness because I had a lot of that in the past.
Yeah.
There's a stark difference in just what a woman experiences of a man um in that and the more I experience you owning all of yourself, the more there is for me to love and there's more admiration that just happens, you know, it doesn't mean that I can always meet your desire immediately de depend, you know, depending on what it is, but it lets me into more of you, more of who you are and therefore, like I said, brings out more love for you and admiration at the same time.
Yeah.
So that is, that's a really vulnerable thing for me in this experience of, of letting myself desire with you.
It, it is a very vulnerable experience to say I want this thing.
This is something that I do have a desire for this, especially when I know it's something that you're not gonna, you wouldn't want me to have to still say it because it's true.
It's vulnerable.
It's terrifying sometimes, but if it's true, I can't stuff it or it's gonna come out sideways as neediness.
Right? So I have to have the courage to upset you, to be willing to let the truth come out to make speaking the truth more important than not upsetting you.
And the only way that I can do that where you can receive it is if I'm not attached to getting it or getting it on a timeline, it really is like this liberation of my own energy to be able to speak the truth and have you receive it as being true for me.
Yeah.
And to be able to be ok enough to say if that never happens, if we never go there, if you can't ever be in a place where maybe this particular desire of mine can be met.
I'm OK.
I'm still ok because I'm good with me.
Yeah.
Thank you for all of that.
It was really fun to hear you elaborate.
You're very welcome.
It's been fun
