Submissive Behavior vs. Submissive Identity

Submission can take the form of behaviors. Often, these are tasks, commands, and activities that the submissive partner is given by the Dominant, for a variety of reasons. 

These reasons often include giving her ways to show her obedience, training her to behave in the way that the Dominant desires, or sometimes, in less experienced partners, just what the Dominant thinks he is supposed to do. 

This post was originally made in 2021, and is being reposted as a part of moving our blog to a new platform. These concepts still hold very true for us to this day.

But submission can also be more than just the actions that are commanded and taken. It can also be a part of a person’s core identity, where the submission given is less about tasks and punishments and more about releasing non-authentic actions in favor of acting only out of true desire.

The Doers

In our modern culture, women are taught to be “doers”. That they need to be chasing goals and making accomplishments, succeeding in careers, having families, and keeping everything together. 

But the submissive and feminine woman, though she may participate in this sort of “fulfillment through achievement” lifestyle, will often be deeply dissatisfied with a life of constant doing. 

She is forced to take charge and be in control of so many things. Her life, her children’s lives, her husband or partner, her home, her job…and she will take charge, because she is capable.

And nature abhors a vacuum, so when there is a vacuum of leadership around her, she will fill that vacuum with her own effort, trying to gain a sense of peace by finally having everything around her under control. 

And in this, she will appear to be anything but submissive. But underneath, if submissiveness is a part of her true identity, she will be anxious, stressed, and deeply unhappy with having to be so in charge. 

If you take a submissive woman who is “in charge” like I’ve described above and begin adding tasks (behaviors), and punishments for lack of compliance with those tasks, to a schedule and life that’s already overwhelmed, you’re not getting her authentic submission. 

Instead, you’re trying to tap even deeper into the part of her that has been having to stay in control and hold it all together. Now, not only is she having to be in charge of the family, the checkbook, her job, her home, etc…she has to complete her list of submissive tasks to avoid punishments or consequences. 

Submissive Identity

When I lead Dawn inside of our D/s marriage, I lead her on an identity level rather than a behavioral level. 

Instead of creating a list of tasks for her to do, I started with understanding who she is as a woman.

Who is Dawn? She is a kind, gentle, generous woman who has a natural desire to be helpful, and who craves the feelings of being wanted, appreciated, and taken care of.

When I asked her to become my submissive after 8 years of marriage, she hadn’t ever been a “submissive” before. She didn’t even really understand what that meant when I asked her. 50 Shades was her only exposure, and she knew that what I was asking her was far deeper than that. 

But even though she hadn’t been “a submissive” she had most certainly been submissive, and she had been so for most of her life. 

The Unhappy Compromise

She had just been participating in the life of “doing” where she was trying to accomplish her way to inner peace and contentment by keeping everything around her under control. 

But at the same time, she knew she didn’t want to be in charge. There were things that just needed to be done, and she did them with great capability. She was rewarded and praised all the time for her ability to get things done effectively, so she tied her identity to her responsibility and capability.. 

But it didn’t make her happy. It was a part of our discussions after I asked her to become my submissive when I pointed out what I saw in her. That she was a gentle, giving, feminine, submissive soul who had those traits used against her for most of her life, by people who saw that she would never let a ball drop or a task go unfinished. 

She was good at “doing,” but she was “doing” out of a submissive nature that was being used for the benefit of others who wanted her to take on their responsibilities. She hadn’t ever, in her whole life, been allowed to just enjoy giving out of true authentic desire to give.

Reclaiming her Identity

And so instead of adding to her already full plate, I put my effort into removing responsibilities from her life.  My work as her Dominant has been to help her get to know herself and to fall in love with herself for who she is, rather than to try to make herself good enough by doing the right things. 

I want her actions align with who she is inside, not to try to feel happiness by taking on a new version of “doing the right things,” just having those things be decided by me, rather than by herself. 

I praise her when her behaviors are in line with her core identity. I reward her with extra love and affection when I see her being herself. I lead her by loving her deeply for who she truly is, and letting her see herself through my eyes. 

When she does things that are not in line with her core submissiveness, I work to understand what need she has that is not being met that is causing her to act in that way. 

And I take responsibility for creating the space for her to release that need to me, so that I can be sure it’s met through submission to me, rather than through her own effort. 

Acting the Part?

This takes way more time than just writing out a list of tasks and demanding compliance, but that isn’t the level of submission that sets a submissive free. That’s just acting the part and hoping that it eventually feels like authenticity. 

But in reality, if submission is only a behavior and not an identity, it will only be a new version of trying to find contentment through accomplishment. It will create more stress and anxiety, especially if failures to perform perfectly are met with punishment. 

Behavioral submission only reinforces what society tells women: You aren’t good enough, and you’ll never be perfect, but you MUST keep trying harder. 

True Freedom 

I want Dawn to act submissive to me, and in the long run, her actions end up looking even more intensely submissive than they would if she was doing the same things because I told her to do them. 

When Dawn’s behaviors are submissive, someone on the outside might assume that I’ve commanded her to act that way. 

And sure, I could command her. And she would comply. But she would feel emptiness in that compliance, and I’d never be fully satisfied knowing that she was just obeying for the sake of obeying. 

But when she chooses to submit, and does so out of a desire to direct all of her gentle, loving, kind, submissive spirit into pleasing me and giving me what I want and need…it is deeply authentic and real. 

Her submissive actions don’t come from a list, and I don’t have to tell her what to do very often at all. She is free to choose how she acts, and she chooses to submit to me.

It is freedom for her, because she is embracing who she truly is, and letting her true nature shine brightly, knowing that she is loved, safe, and protected. And that she can never have her true nature used against her again. She can fully be who she is with me, without having to hold back out of fear.

And it is intensely satisfying for me, because instead of telling her what to do, she has chosen to submit out of love and affection and appreciation and gratitude. And any submissive action she takes is real, and it is deeply meaningful.

No Shortcuts

There are no shortcuts to earning this depth of submission.

However, understanding where you are going as a leader is the most important piece of leading someone.

If what you desire is deep, meaningful, passionate, authentic submission…I suggest laying off a bit on the rules and punishments.

Take your time with leading her to release the control she’s taken, as you step up and take more responsibility. Let her have the freedom to be who she is, and spend some more time on praise and reinforcement.

Let her decide how to act, rather than just trying to force compliance, and you will find yourself, as I have, in the most deeply fulfilling relationship you can imagine.