Perfectionism and Submission

Dawn has used the term “perfectionist” to describe herself, and its something I’ve worked very hard to help her let go of. 

“Perfectionist” is a label that she gave herself, or a label that someone gave her when she was young, that she took on and made a part of her identity. The truth is, though, that perfectionism is less about being perfect and more about:

1. Comparing yourself to others

2. A fear of being judged by others

3. A fear of being seen as a failure by others

Each of these is often rooted in a lack of self worth. If others are better, it means YOU aren’t good. If others judge you, or see you fail, it confirms some deeply held negative belief about yourself. 

This can be hard to accept, but chasing perfection is like chasing the wind. You’ll never catch it. Perfectionism is a recipe for lifelong, consistent failure and disappointment. This isn’t something I was willing to have Dawn endure. 

As a Dominant, I believe that I always need to create opportunities for my submissive to succeed. One of my responsibilities in this relationship and D/s dynamic is to help her be her best, so that she can give her best back to me. Trying to guide her to be her best while she is fearful of judgement, and never feeling good enough is going to be a losing battle. 

That would only end up with her own lack of self worth negating anything I did to try to help her be better.

Using our D/s Relationship To Overcome Perfectionism

So first, we redefined perfectionism. In her case, rather than calling herself a perfectionist, I had her start telling herself that she puts forth her best effort in everything she does, and that she cares very deeply about doing her best. 

This is a much more helpful mindset. It focuses on effort, which is something we can change, rather than results, which we never actually control. The results were now my responsibility, not hers. Any failures were not a reflection of her, they were mine to decide how to handle and move forward from. She released this control to me.

Then, we redefined her efforts. She isn’t trying to impress anyone else…only me. Other people’s judgement doesn’t matter, only mine. Her efforts belong to me, not to herself. If she failed, she’d only look to me for reassurance, not to others to see how they reacted to her failure. 

And with this control, and her trust, I continued to encourage her to be her best, to work hard, and praised her for her efforts as much as for her results. And when things didn’t go as planned, I lovingly reassured her that I love her for who she is, and that her best is always enough, and that SHE is always enough. 

She turned the results over to me, accepts my guidance with her efforts, and operates now in a space where she can feel safe to be imperfect and still be loved, and learn through experience that who she is will always be good enough for me. 

She isn’t a slave to perfectionism anymore. She can still slip back into old habits sometimes, but with this plan in place, I can always help her back to where she belongs. Submitting to me with love and trust, not to her fear.

The Perfectionism Equation

One other way to look at perfectionism…often times I see perfectionism as something that comes out of a feeling that you need to do more or better in order to be good enough. Like a math equation that goes something like this: 

What I do + How well I do it = Who I am. 

It ties your ultimate identity to your performance. But who you are inside really has nothing to do with what you do or how you do it. I’ve tried to teach Dawn a different equation: 

Who I am + How I authentically live my life = What I do. 

Where her actions and her effort aren’t defining who she is, but her actions are an outflow of who she is authentically, at her true core. 

At Dawn’s core, she is a loving, sweet, submissive, trusting, empathetic woman who cares deeply about the people in her life and about being her best. 

When defined as “perfectionist” these core traits are locked behind a wall of fear, and covered in a need to prove her worth through her actions. A submissive cannot give herself completely when she judges her actions in comparison to anyone else, or when she fears not being good enough. I need to help her let go of anything that keeps her from being open, free, and at peace within herself. 

But with the authority and control that I have within the type of relationship we have chosen, I have been able to help her to accept herself for who she is by showing her that she is loved, cared for, and safe. And that my love isn’t dependent on her being perfect, or on anything at all. My love for her is unconditional. She is loved for who she is, and all she needs to be for me is herself. Nothing more. 

Conclusion

As this blog grows, my hope is that our readers learn that my approach to D/s is that of love, trust, respect, consent, and desire. I believe that it is my responsibility to use my authority and control as a Dominant wisely. Being a Dominant has tremendous rewards, and with those rewards come tremendous responsibility. 

Everything that I do to lead in our relationship has a purpose. I want the most loving, fulfilling, and happy relationship possible for both of us. When I help her be her best, I’m also giving myself the gift of having the best possible partner. 

My efforts to help her improve also teach me about myself, and help me learn how to be better for her. I do not consider myself a completed man, sitting on a shelf with no improvement necessary. Every time I lead her, I also learn about myself, and continue to work to make myself better. Because she deserves to have me at my best, as much as I deserve to have her at hers.

One example of this is how I learned, through helping Dawn with her own perfectionism, that I had some of these same traits holding me back, albeit without the “perfectionist” label. I’ll write more in a future post about this.

**This is a blog repost from April 2021. Lots has changed and grown for us in the past 2+ years, but we're moving all of our old posts over unedited, and we'll have more to share on these topics in future posts and in our podcast!