Our D/s Relationship

Note: This post was originally published in April 2021, when we were fairly new to sharing our Dom/sub dynamic online. A lot has changed and grown for us since then, but the heart behind this post still remains true, and I'm resharing it unedited for that reason. 

We’ve been more open about our Dom/sub relationship recently and it’s been fulfilling and exciting for me. I like the openness and authenticity of it. The other day, my sister texted Dawn about what all of this Dom/sub stuff and wearing a collar was about. She tried to explain it, but the answer she got back was “so, like threesomes and sex rooms?”

This has made me realize that people have their own assumptions about what D/s is, and that these assumptions are created by and colored by their own experiences. And that especially and mostly, they assume it’s all about the sex.

And I suppose it is all about sex, if your only experience with it has been porn, 50 Shades, and maybe a couple of rough sex experiences. How could people know and understand the depth of love, respect, commitment, desire, control, responsibility, and surrender that are inherent in a 24/7 D/s relationship?

Then, on the other hand, you have the people who DO understand, or at least want to experience something like this. They may understand that they like kinky sex, or that they want something more than the unfulfilling and boring, conflict filled, or passionless suburban marriages that they see all around them. But they certainly don’t have positive role models of what/how a loving relationship might incorporate Domination and submission on a daily basis, and how that might play out in the midst of a “normal life”.

So, what is this? How would I explain it to an uninitiated or uninformed person? How does a person be a Dominant 24/7? How can a person submit 24/7 and still live a “normal life”?

The answer to that goes deep.

Every relationship between two or more humans has leaders and followers to some extent. Someone has to make decisions and take responsibility. Without a leader, nobody decides anything. It turns into endless group think. If you’ve ever experienced task forces, focus groups, town hall meetings, or a seemingly endless cycle of “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” You know what I’m talking about here.

In our culture’s desire for more equality, we’ve exalted this kind of indecisiveness. We’ve done so by equating leadership with a hunger for power and control. And in doing so, we’ve made natural leaders uncomfortable with being authentic in the way that they make decisions. When a person might just want to decide and move forward based on the knowledge available to them at the time, they’re not being decisive, they’re told that they are being a bully or controlling.

We’ve also put indecisive people, who prefer NOT to be decision makers, in a position where they’re being asked to decide what they want and expected to have an opinion and to advocate for that opinion. To these individuals, decision making isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun. They might just prefer to go along with what someone else has decided. However, either because the natural leaders are uncomfortable and afraid of coming across as controlling, or because nobody is willing to make a decision at all, the indecisive person is forced into the uncomfortable position of needing to make decisions they may not want to make.

Leadership and followership is a spectrum. On one far end of the leadership end of the spectrum, you have controlling, domineering, power hungry people. What these people lack is empathy and concern for the people who are affected by their decisions. And they often also lack the desire or willingness to take responsibility for their actions and the outcomes of their decisions.

And on the other end of the spectrum, the “follower” end, you have people who are doormats, who do whatever they’re told, whenever they’re told, with no question as to the authority of the person giving the orders. They might lack discernment, self respect, or the self confidence to stand up for themselves and set healthy boundaries.

Respectful leadership falls along the same side of that spectrum as unhealthy power hunger, but that doesn’t make them the same. Far more people are comfortable taking responsibility, and have empathy for the people affected by their decisions. They are willing to own their decisions, even when they go wrong. Even when they make mistakes.

Being a willing follower falls along the same side of the spectrum as the human doormat mentioned above. But again, this doesn’t make all followers “victims” of a parade of domineering individuals wielding power over them at will. Some people are more comfortable in a world that is laid out for them in a way where they are not expected to decide for themselves or have too much responsibility. At their core, they want to be led by someone they trust to make the decisions that have their best interest in mind.

Our relationship, and the Dominant/submissive dynamic within it, are about so much more than just sex. It’s about loving each other for who we are, and loving ourselves for who we are. We accept where we fall on this spectrum and don’t expect ourselves, or each other, to be someone we’re not.

For me, it’s loving myself and accepting the fact that I like to take charge, lead, and be responsible for both the plans and their outcomes. Yes, that means that I take the lead and take charge sexually. But it also means that when we are going to dinner, I decide where we’re going. What we’re both eating. When we leave to get there, and when we leave to go home. If it’s a bad choice and the food is terrible or the service is awful, that’s my responsibility. If it’s a great night, I get to own that too.

In our relationship, I take charge and make decisions like this in many areas. I have control and responsibility for my submissive’s exercise and nutrition and health. For what she wears, whenever I desire to exercise that authority. For our finances, and lots of other small daily decisions.

I love and accept Dawn for who she is. She doesn’t want to decide. She doesn’t want to have to survey all the options, decide which of them to choose, and to be responsible if things don’t work out. I love this about her, because when she accepts this about herself and submits, she is relaxed and carefree. I get to have the best, sweetest, and most fun version of the woman I love.

On a side note, before I continue, I’d like to make a point. Notice that I said that she doesn’t want to decide. I didn’t say that she can’t, or that she’s not capable. She most certainly is, and most certainly could and would handle herself without my involvement. She is more comfortable when she doesn’t NEED to, because she can relax and go with the flow. It’s stressful for her to evaluate options and make decisions, and her natural inclination is to continually reevaluate current and past decisions, which keeps her from really being in the moment.

So she may be asked for her input, or if she has ideas I might need to consider to make the best decision possible, but she is not expected to make the final decisions, and she is not responsible for their outcomes.

Dawn’s submissiveness is not weakness, and it is not a lack of capability to act as a functional adult. It’s a level of self awareness that allows her to realize that she prefers to let go and hand the controls over to someone who wants them, and who she trusts to take care of her and make decisions that will have her best interest at heart. And I’m grateful that I am that person.

I choose to love myself for who I am, and to love her for who she is. What works so well is that the give and take that is inherent in this kind of exchange of power feeds into our natural inclinations and desires, and helps both of us be our best selves.

So when she wears my collar, it’s not about “threesomes and sex rooms”. It’s a display of her commitment to trust me and follow my lead. She earns that collar every day by being authentic and continuing to work to let go and be present and “in the moment”. She earns it by trusting me and not trying to take the reins from me, instead letting go, focusing on pleasing me, and submitting to my control.

And every time I see it around her throat, it’s a reminder to me that I am responsible for this beautiful, gentle soul. That I am responsible to look out for her needs and to make sure that she has the best life I’m capable of leading her towards. I earn the right to have that collar on her every day, because she is not forced to wear it. She has the power to take it off any time she wants, and so I see it as her conscious decision to lay her soul bare to me, and I don’t take my responsibility lightly.

If her job is to submit and trust and obey and follow, then my job is to take charge, to be trustworthy, to give clear direction, and to lead.

And in that exchange, her submission for my Domination, both of our needs are met. Both of our authentic selves are fulfilled. We are not equal, and we don’t try to be, or pretend like we’re supposed to be. I am in charge. She is not. And we are equally fulfilled in our inequality.

Our love is easy and relaxed. Everything about our relationship is fun, because it’s charged with energy and excitement, and because neither of us is forced to pretend to be something we’re not.

This is how 24/7 D/s can work in the real world. It’s easy to think it’s all about the sex, but it’s really so much more than that. The sexual piece of this type of relationship is only one small piece of a much bigger puzzle, and when done respectfully and authentically, it has the potential to be the most fulfilling and passionate relationship you could possibly imagine.

It sure is for us.

If you enjoyed this, we’d love to hear from you about your thoughts on 24/7 D/s, and how it has worked well for you, or how you would like to be able to experience it in your own life. We value community and want to build relationships with more intelligent, authentic, and kinky friends, and we’d love to connect with like minded folks. Don’t hesitate to comment or say hi!