Maintaining Submission In An Emotional Conversation

I recently received a question from a fellow submissive in our community asking

“How do you maintain complete submission in an emotional conversation or situation?”

I found that to be a very great question so I want to expand on that for others as well.

This post was originally made in 2021, two years ago. It's being reposted now as we migrate our blog to a new platform. This was very early in Dawn's emotional healing journey, and is a good look back at where she was at back then. We have both grown so much from the time she wrote this post. The frustration, triggering, and projections are so much less frequent now. So we are reposting this as a look back at how things were. For more about how this works for us now, make sure to check out our podcast, Instagram account, and more around our website! 

Well, no surprise here….I’m human; I’m not perfect. So I cannot say that I have always maintained the submissive mindset that I would want to have during challenging conversations or circumstances. But, I have definitely improved in communicating my thoughts, desires, and needs, along with learning a lot about managing my emotions.

Sir and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10.5, and in the D/s dynamic for over 2.5 years. We both have grown tremendously in understanding ourselves, in our relationship together, and in our ability to communicate with each other. We have never been the type to yell or argue despite not always agreeing with each other’s perspective. Incorporating the D/s dynamic gave us a foundation that we didn’t have clearly defined before. There were times that I challenged Sir’s leadership or direction. Times that he didn’t always assert his greatest strengths but instead backed down to keep from creating anymore tension. Now, we consensually agree to him being the Dominant and leader in our relationship and me being the submissive and follower of his leadership. There is mutual trust and respect in our roles that has led to a much healthier way of communicating as well.

Again, I’m not perfect. So sometimes when I get frustrated during a conversation, my tone of voice changes and gets short, and my body language changes. I feel disconnected from my body, all in my head, and not very submissive at all. And, at certain times of the month in dealing with hormonal fluctuations, this can be hard for me to handle as sassy Dawn can come out! I’m not proud of that, but thankfully Sir tracks my cycle so he is well aware of the days that this can happen. He has an incredible amount of understanding and patience for me and always extends forgiveness when I am not at my best. He is beyond amazing.

So, how did we improve our communication?

We both have done a lot of emotional healing work, but I will speak to mine only.

My healing has been a long journey, so it’s hard to actually identify when it really started. The biggest lesson I have learned is to turn inward. I am my own greatest strength. All the answers I need in life will be found inside of me. Sounds quite spiritual, doesn’t it? Well, it is, which I now understand in a whole new way.

My experience of growing up in the box of religion disconnected my mind and my body. I didn’t learn to trust my own intuition. I wasn’t taught to look inside of me for truth, but that’s where it actually lies. How I see it now is that there really is no absolute truth. Because the truth that I see is different than the truth that you see. No two people lived the same life experiences, and it’s our life experiences that shape how we see the world and respond to it.

One book that was an incredible eye opener for me was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It helped me realize that everything I do is based on the past agreements that I have made with myself, with others, and with all of life. The most important ones are the ones that I have made with myself as they are the lens that I see the whole world through. They are the limiting beliefs that rob me of joy and create endless suffering. These beliefs keep me from having a life of true freedom, happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions

4. Always Do Your Best

We listened to this audiobook together and stopped so many times to have conversation. I recommend this book to everyone! We now have a much better understanding of the fact that despite knowing each other so well, we still have different belief systems that we have created since we were born. Knowing that helps us communicate openly with love and honesty. I slow down and actually listen to what Sir is telling me instead of thinking about what I want to say next. I then will repeat back to Sir what I heard him say to be certain that I actually understand the meaning and intent rather than a clouded view through my belief systems. My goal is to remain calm and remember that Sir always has my best interest in mind, even if I at first glance didn’t see it that way.

Some core values to us in our relationship and communication:

• Love

• Forgiveness

• Honesty

• Patience

• Vulnerability

• Understanding

• Empathy

There are times during our conversations where I will be emotionally triggered. In the past, I wasn’t even aware of what was happening. I just knew that I was either sad, hurt, or frustrated, and most often couldn’t identify the why. I just was aware of emotion. I would see it as Andrew’s fault. Now I remember the “Don’t Take Anything Personally” rule, and I choose to look inward and ask myself a couple of questions instead of blaming Sir.

That leads to another important self-awareness piece…..unlearning past beliefs, unhealed childhood wounds, unhealed trauma, and insecurities.

A couple questions I ask myself during those challenging conversations when the emotions are feeling high……..

What emotion am I feeling right now?

What is being triggered in me with that emotion?

What am I projecting onto Sir?

What am I hearing my intuition tell me?

And then I listen to what my heart is telling me.

“The judgement I place on you is the wound I refuse to heal in me.” OUCH! @drchrislee

In other words, how am I inflicting why own insecurities or unhealed trauma into this situation?

Or what belief system am I seeing this situation through?

Is it what I want to believe?

I have spent a lot of time working through the belief systems that feel so ingrained in me. And to be honest, most of them don’t even feel like me. I consciously am working to unlearn all of the beliefs that I no longer want and make new agreements with my adult brain. I now choose how I want to see the world, what I want to believe, and who I want to be. And let me tell you, it’s been a process. It takes time, a lot of patience, understanding, love, and forgiveness for myself. I have also done some EMDR therapy which was an amazing experience. I have healed past wounds/trauma that I didn’t even know were there. And working through those brought me a sense of freedom and happiness that I didn’t even know existed.

To sum up the answer to the initial question, is this…….it all comes down to my heart and mindset. Here is what I consciously focus on….

First and foremost,

I CHOSE to be Sir’s submissive; I chose his leadership.

I LOVE Sir.

My feelings are valid and can be communicated in a healthy way.

Sir always looks out for my best interest.

Sir is not perfect, and neither am I.

And if I make a mistake or step out of line, Sir will always extend his amazing love and forgiveness to me, unconditionally. It’s what we commit to give each other.