How Submission Becomes Freedom

Have you ever thought that it sounded paradoxical that an owned submissive speaks about feeling so completely free?

This post aims to explain how this phenomenon has played out in our relationship, and how Dawn’s freedom grows with every piece of her life that she voluntarily releases into my care and control.

**This post is from April 2021, and is being reposted to our new blog unedited. Much has changed and grown for us in the past 2+ years, but this post holds very true to this day. 

There is only one perfection. The perfection of being totally and completely yourself. The “you” that you would have become if you hadn’t been conditioned by your upbringing. The self that has always been inside of you.

All of us have conditioning from our childhoods. Mine was a bit less destructive than Dawn’s. I was able to make it through my youth with a sense of individuality still intact. Dawn’s individuality was completely buried under the version of Dawn that her parents and religion tried to create.

So for most of her life, she has lived as a self-identified “perfectionist”. She has put massive amounts of effort into an impossible battle to be perfect at being this version of Dawn that she was conditioned to be in her youth. But that only led to dissatisfaction with her life. She knew she wasn’t perfect, and that she couldn’t be perfect, but getting as close as possible was absolutely necessary.

It showed up in her drive to get good grades in school. Not just good grades, actually. Perfect scores on every assignment. Anything less was a failure and not good enough. Evidence to herself that Dawn wasn’t good enough and that she needed to try harder.

It showed up in her relationships, expecting others to perform to the level of perfection that she herself couldn’t ever achieve…making sure that both her partner, and her relationships, were set up to disappoint in the same way that she consistently disappointed herself.

It showed up in her fitness and nutrition. As she made progress toward a goal, the goal would move, assuring her that she would never be up to her ever-increasing standards.

It showed up in her desire to learn about fitness when she became a personal trainer. No little detail of understanding was too small. Every movement could be understood more thoroughly, either to get more out of it, or to understand more completely how it affected the body. This would lead to hours scrolling instagram, watching videos, reading articles. There was never enough information available.

All of this striving, working, expecting. It was all trying to help her feel as though she lived up to a version of herself that was really nothing more than an artificial persona, created by her childhood conditioning, based on decisions she made as a young girl wanting to please her parents, teachers, and pastors.

Love

Long before I ever asked her to become my submissive, I saw this need to please and live up to expectations. I understood how it had left her consistently empty, feeling as if she was trying to chase the wind. I saw how it affected me, and our relationship.

I understood how her programming had been used against her in her past marriage, by a destructive and narcissistic man. A man who was more than willing to create a never-ending trail of emotional and physical messes for her, that her programming would never let her leave un-resolved.

I could have asked Dawn to be my submissive at any point in our relationship. I could have demanded anything from her, and she would have gone along with it. She would have worked her ass off to make sure she did it perfectly, and I could have made the rules and then changed them at any time to keep her working to please me.

But this wasn’t ever possible for me to do. It’s not in my nature to manipulate or force people I love to act a certain way. But it was more than that. I always saw her for who she was. From the minute I met her.

When I fell in love with Dawn, I fell in love with the sweet, gentle, tender, sensual, joyful girl that I saw her as when she was relaxed and free from obligations and stresses. I saw the stressed side of her too, when she would obsess with all the things I discussed above, but that wasn’t her. I always knew that.

It was only with time that I realized that she didn’t love herself in the same way that I loved her. That it was that actually that stressed, obligated, striving version of herself that she thought was Dawn. She thought that her actions and striving defined her, and that the measure of her worth was how perfect she thought she was, and how other people looked at her and perceived her based on her effort and actions.

It was as I came to understand this about her that I realized she needed time to heal from the past, and that I needed to be patient and open with her. I needed some life situations to resolve and fade into the past. I needed to stay conscious and be an example of self-acceptance and authenticity. And I also needed to be my best, to be a mirror to help her heal and learn to love the real Dawn.

Submission

I started this post with the statement that there is only one perfection. The perfection of being totally and completely yourself. All of Dawn’s striving was her trying to be a perfect version of someone else’s opinion. Something that even if it were possible to achieve, would have left her empty. She would have been a perfected version of something that was perfectly not Dawn.

Eventually in our relationship, I collared Dawn and made her not only my wife, but my submissive. My property. She agreed to gift me control over her life and its direction. Early on, she feared that in submission, she would lose herself. What I knew then, but couldn’t say, was that she would most certainly lose herself. But not the real Dawn. That can’t be lost.

She would lose that conditioned version of herself, the one that was programmed into her that made her strive against her own nature.

In losing herself, she would find herself and fall in love with her own true nature. The striving and the stress and the perfectionism would die. The gentle, sweet, kind, sexual, fun expression of pure joy and femininity that was inside of her would come to the surface, and she would see in herself what I’ve always seen and loved.

I knew that I would strip away her life as she knew it, but I also knew that wasn’t something I could say at the time. Now she understands exactly why that needed to happen, and why it needed to be experienced rather than said.

Freedom

The perfection of Dawn has always been the reality of her nature. It has always existed from birth and has not changed. It was only her childhood programming that kept her from understanding her own perfection. I planned to use my authority as her Dominant to delete that programming by helping her make new decisions to be herself.

I planned to use the control I now had to remove stresses and obligations from her life, to slow down her pace, to take responsibility for as much of her life as she would give me, and to give her space to understand who she really is.

When she hands over control to me, she is handing over the responsibility of that part of her life. This is where submission becomes freedom. By giving up responsibility to me, she is now free to just enjoy that part of her life. The decision making, the effort, the pushing for perfection in the outcome…all of these are gone.

She doesn’t have to decide. She doesn’t have to try to prove anything to anyone. She doesn’t have to strive for perfection. She doesn’t have to try to be something she’s not when she gives me control. My only expectation of Dawn is that she is who she is.

Success as my submissive is defined by her authenticity.

All she has to do is wake up each morning and be Dawn. The measure of success in her day is the measure of her ability to submit. The more submissive she can allow herself to be to me, the more she is able to be herself. And the more she is able to be herself, the more free she feels.

And when she is is free, she is experiencing perfection in the only way that a human being can. By perfectly being who she is and always has been.