How do I help my man be more Dominant?

We received a question the other day from a submissive asking how she could keep her Dominant on track, so that he could then keep her on track.

Dominance can be many things, but one of the greatest delineating factors is between Dominance as a practice and Dominance as a way of being.

Dominance as a Practice

Dominance can, at times, be something that a person does. This might be for the duration of a scene, or maybe a part of a couple playing out D/s roles for a date night or a vacation. He might play this part very well for these times, leaving his submissive parter quite excited and desiring more of this behavior.

However, a man who is trying to play the part of “Dominant” is going to have trouble with ongoing Dominance as a practice and lifestyle. Inside his head, he is trying to figure out what Dominance is so that he can replicate it.

Some of the evidence of this would be a man who struggles to keep up his responsibility in a D/s relationship. Someone who takes charge at times, and seems to forget his responsibilities at others. He may show flashes of very intense Dominance, with long stretches in between.

He will also show this by the way that he is in the rest of his life. Is he taking charge of his own life? His health? His career? Living according to his own values and pursuing his passions? If the only place he is taking any sort of leadership is in short flashes with his woman…he is trying to DO dominance. He is not (yet) a Dominant man.

This sort of behavior can come from many places. I suspect that most often it is either that he is with a submissive partner who he is trying to please by becoming Dominant for her, or he wants the lead and to be in charge in his relationship but is still struggling to find his footing.

It could also be a sign of selfish manipulative behavior, someone using the cover of D/s, exhibiting some of the characteristics of a Dominant in order to get what he wants from submissive women without actually caring for their needs.

Dominance as a Way of Being

On the other hand, you have a man who is Dominant. It’s not JUST something that he does…it’s something that he is, or something that he is clearly becoming.

This type of man is easy to recognize. Here are just a few ways you might recognize this type of Dominant man.

• He will be the type of man who is in good physical shape. He takes care of his body, goes to the gym regularly, eats healthy foods, and treats his body with respect.

• He knows what he is passionate about and pursues it with vigor.

• He will be the type of man who carries himself with confidence. He walks tall, looks people in the eye, and has a sense of calm about him. People feel safe in his presence. He believes in his own ability to handle whatever may come his way.

• He treats people with respect, and expects the same in return. He has strong boundaries and does not allow people in his life who use him or treat him poorly.

• He has strong friendships and people who will have his back in hard times.

• People look to him for advice, wisdom, or help in understanding.

• He doesn’t demand that others follow him, but finds that people naturally want to follow his lead, and he is very comfortable in taking that leadership role when it suits him.

Notice that so far, none of these things have been about how he handles his woman.

Why?

Because all of these traits make Dominance a part of his identity. It’s not just something that he is doing (I am A Dominant). It’s something that he is. (I AM Dominant).

When it comes to his relationship with his woman, he will exhibit these traits in relation to her, just as he does in relation to the rest of his life, once he has entered the realm of D/s and connected with a submissive partner.

He will lead her at all times. He will confidently provide direction. He will make her feel safe. He will protect her. He will have boundaries in terms of how he allows her to treat him.

And she will naturally submit to him. Whether this is a D/s dynamic or not. He will take the lead and she will happily follow. His masculinity will allow her femininity to feel safe, and she will begin to express her femininity more freely. She will also likely test him, but that’s a topic for an entirely different post.

In our relationship, I began this process of growing more than three years before I EVER asked Dawn to become my submissive. Actually, that was the furthest thing from my mind when I started to improve myself. I just knew that I couldn't keep living the way I was living, and I committed to improving, and improving for the rest of my life in any way I could. 

Getting More Out of Him

So back to our reader’s question…how to keep her Dominant on track.

You don’t keep him on track. That’s his responsibility. If you're responsible for keeping him on track, you're actually being forced into the Dominant role yourself because he won't, or can't. Or can't yet. 

This will never amount to fulfilling submission. 

He needs to take ownership and responsibility for his own life, and learn to become a confident, responsible, Dominant man in his entire life. 

The good news is, if he wants this, and he wants to grow in his Dominance, there is a path. But make no mistake, it is a path, not a switch you flip. 

And his submissive partner cannot want this more than he does. He has to do it for himself. She will benefit from his growth, but she cannot be the only reason for his growth.

Alongside his learning to be a better Dominant, he will need to begin to do difficult things in his life to improve himself, and growing in his confidence as he grows as a man. This almost invariably starts by lifting weights and taking control of his physical fitness. It did for me. It has for thousands of other men I’ve talked to over the years who have gone through this process.

It’ll involve taking responsibility for his entire life. Becoming the best version of himself, and committing to continuous improvement. Learning from other men who have walked this path before him. Finding what he is passionate about in life and pursuing it.

This confidence that he will build in this process of self improvement will carry over to all areas of his life, including his relationship with his partner.

All you can do as his submissive partner is to encourage him to take charge of his life, love him through the challenges he will face, and be supportive.