D/s Is Not Always BDSM

Let’s break down one of the biggest misconceptions in this lifestyle. 

Being in a Dominant/submissive relationship DOES NOT mean that you have to be into any specific sexual acts associated with BDSM. 

I believe that this association is the root cause of why we hear so many people reach out to us in such a state of confusion and frustration. 

Sometimes, Dominant/submissive couples are very into BDSM activities, like sadism, masochism, bondage, whips, chains, and leather. 

Sometimes, couples can be into the above mentioned BDSM play, but would never claim to live a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. 

And sometimes, Dominant/submissive couples have no BDSM sexual interests at all. 

A Missing Distinction

To us, Dominant/submissive refers to the deep, trusting, devotion of our relationship. A marriage that puts emphasis on Andrew’s leadership, guidance, and responsibility…and on Dawn’s femininity, obedience, and need to be taken care of. 

The D/s is the relationship. BDSM is one of the ways that some, but not all, D/s couples live their sex life. 

A Dominant/submissive relationship is about the focus on a deep, passionate, spiritual connection that understands each other, and desires to keep passion alive by embracing the differences between the masculine and feminine. 

What do Dominance and submission actually mean?

So often we get messages with statements like: 

• Dawn is so brave to wear her collar out in public!

• What do your families think? 

• My husband won’t take on a Dominant role because he’s afraid of being abusive.

• I keep meeting Dominants online and they don’t treat me with respect.

All of these statements are being made out of associations that just aren’t true. Such as: 

• Being Dominant means being sadistic.

• Being submissive means being masochistic or having no rights to make your own decisions.

• Wearing a collar means you get tied up and beaten in bed

• Taking charge and leading means being controlling and bossy

Here’s the truth: 

Dominance is responsibility and leadership. 

Submission is a need to let go and let someone else take the lead. 

That’s it. 

Making Associations

Those words might also mean more things to you, but they might not. They might mean very different things to you than they do to your partner. 

It might mean taking control (leadership) in the bedroom in some very intense and kinky ways. It might also mean almost nothing about sex, and have a lot more to do with confident leadership and willing obedience in regular day to day activities, like deciding on dinner or what color to paint the bedroom. 

But your mind has maybe associated Dominance with things like sadism, domineering and controlling behavior, being a jerk, tying people up, spanking, beating, whipping, or making them do things they don’t actually want to do. 

And your mind has maybe associated submission with masochism, being weak and helpless, being used and abused, being overly needy, dependent, or being used sexually without regard for needs and desires. 

Or all sorts of other things, which depend on your own life’s experience. And its a natural human tendency to assume that other people see things the same way as we see them ourselves. 

But none of those things you’ve associated with the terms Dominant and submissive are actually requirements, and they don’t actually always work that way.

You Get To Decide

We know what Dominance and submission are for us. And they will be different for you. 

Our entire purpose in sharing our relationship through our writing and social media is to show you that the Dominant/submissive relationship can be whatever you want it to be. And that it’s okay to live your life openly, yet to keep as much of it private as you wish. 

We want you to be able to learn from what we share, but also, we want you to be able to learn from what we don’t share. We won’t ever be telling any of our readers or followers if our D/s includes BDSM play or not. It’s none of your business. 

Will other people think that your collar means something that it doesn’t? Maybe. Maybe not. 

Will they have the guts to ask you? Maybe. Probably not. 

But you get to decide what D/s means for you and your partner. 50 Shades of Grey doesn’t get to decide. Porn doesn’t get to decide. And your neighbors don’t either. 

You don’t have to share any of it with them. None of them even need to know a damn thing about it. Our closest friends know some, but our parents don’t. Nobody gets to know everything, because we have boundaries that we won’t cross. 

Start Here

If this is a life that you’re interested in living, sit down with your partner and talk about it, starting here: 

Dominance is responsibility and leadership.

Submission is a need to let go and let someone else take the lead. 

Talk about what else those words mean to you. And what they don’t mean. 

Talk about what’s exciting and scary. 

Talk about whether this is just a relationship thing, or if it’s also a sexual thing. It can be either. Or both. 

If it’s a sexual thing, is it just about taking the lead? Or is it about exploring kink together? It can be either. Or both.

Talk about where it can start comfortably and safely for both of you, and continue to communicate and let it evolve over time. 

Take a look around our website at the different resources we have available. Look into the different groups and programs we offer. Listen to our podcast. Go deep into this stuff, rather than making assumptions. The communication will pay big dividends! 

And as always, reach out to us if we can help you. Our gratitude for each and every one of you runs deep, and we are here for you!