Be the River

Dominance is like a river. Deep submission is like floating down this river. I’ve used this analogy with Dawn for years.

I also used the analogy of grabbing onto the shore of the river being like grasping for control. If you’re in a steady current and you try to stop, the water will wash over you. 

This post was originally made in 2022 and is being reposted without edits as a part of the move to our new blog platform. This post, when it was originally written, marked a big shift for me in how I approached and taught Dominance. Specifically, around the importance of Dominant men doing the emotional work necessary to become untriggerable and strong, safe space holders for their submissives. You can read a lot more about this approach on our Instagram account, and hear about it in the Infinite Devotion Podcast.

Grabbing for control will always take her out of her submissive energy. 

As recent events have made me think about this analogy again, I’ve realized that I’ve always applied it to her as riding in the current, without thinking about what it meant for me to be the river. 

And it made me realize that when I see her grabbing for the shore, at times I stop being the river altogether. 

I love Dawn and want her to be happy. I also want to see her deeply submissive to me, letting go and allowing me to lead in small ways and large. 

Her submission fuels me. It gives me an intense energy that fuels much of my life.

So, I want things to stay great when they’re great, and if I see a potential problem, I try to solve it. 

And when I sense her grasping for shore and see her getting pulled out of her submissive nature, I’m jumping to her rescue like a lifeguard. 

I’m also jumping to try to prevent our D/s dynamic from getting off track for my own sake. I have needs as well, and I’m trying to get my own needs met when I try to prevent something taking us out of our best energy. 

But when I jump to the rescue of her emotions, no matter how loving the intention, her feminine energy feels unsafe because her subconscious is perceiving me as fearful and weak, because I’m not able to stay strong in myself when she isn’t okay inside herself. 

By jumping to her rescue, I’ve taken her problem, whatever it is, and said, subconsciously, “I need this problem to go away for me to be okay.”

I can’t be the river and be the lifeguard at the same time. And when I choose to be the lifeguard, she loses my strength and direction. 

When she sees me abandon myself in this way, she pulls back, and something about our connection is lost. 

Be The River

So, how do we as Dominants be the river? 

Let’s continue with the analogy. What are some characteristics of a river that I could apply to this situation? 

The current of a river is constant and steady. It doesn’t start and stop. 

Any changes in path or current are gradual…never sudden. And always to take a more direct path. 

A river is both wide and deep. 

Let’s go a little deeper into each and look at how they relate to Dominance and submission. 

Constant and Steady

The current of a river is constant. It continues uninterrupted, and it runs deep. Any day of your life, you can drop a raft into it and it will carry you along predictably. Nothing you do on the surface affects the flow of the river. 

In D/s relationships, our submissives need predictability. No matter the time of day, the day of the week, or the circumstances, we need to provide this predictability. 

To fully submit and surrender in the way that I desire, Dawn needs to feel safe. Not just physically safe. Emotionally safe. Spiritually safe. 

I am asking her to let go and allow me to lead her. For her to literally give me parts of her life and to focus on serving and pleasing me instead. I want as much of this as as she will give me. 

Not only does she need to trust that I’m going to handle this kind of authority with care and respect, she needs to know that I’m strong enough to handle it even when things get challenging. 

This is why a woman tests the strength of a man with her emotions. To see if he’s steady enough emotionally to handle challenges. She doesn’t do this consciously…it’s her subconscious. She doesn’t realize why she does it. She just does. 

Dawn isn’t ever trying to upset me with her words or actions. She’s reading how easily I get upset in meaningless situations to judge how I’ll handle the important ones. The more easily I get upset, the less strength her subconscious perceives me to possess.

Instead of being a lifeguard when she gets emotional, I need to be constant and steady like the river. I need to learn to not engage with her emotions, but to continue to be the steady river whose current doesn’t stop flowing when she splashes around on the surface of the water. 

This means mastering my own ego. I cannot provide this level of predictability and steadiness if I am emotionally triggered by her. 

Changes

A river doesn’t change its path quickly. If it does, it is slowly, and always to take an easier and more direct path to where it was already going. 

To be the river in a D/s relationship, there needs to be a strong sense of purpose and leadership on the part of the Dominant. Both in his own life, and in the relationship. 

I need to know where I am leading Dawn. What we stand for. What I want to achieve and how I want to get there. Sometimes I can give her a map, sometimes she is just along for the ride. But I am always going somewhere. 

Does a river ever decide that it’s going to stop flowing from North to South and suddenly change directions, flowing the other way? Imagine the chaos that would come for people, industries, and the lives that depended on the predictability of the flow of that river. 

This is why true Dominance needs to flow out of a man’s character. If it’s just a role that he plays, he’s prone to sudden and drastic changes. And that isn’t just inconvenient. It’s downright destructive if there’s a submissive who is counting on him to be what he has claimed to be.

But if his Dominance is a part of his character…of who he is…there is a steadiness to it.

Any changes in the river’s path are gradual. And as a Dominant, any changes I make in the direction of our D/s dynamic should be slow and gradual as well. And just as the river, they should still be taking us in the direction I want to go…albeit a more direct line than before. 

I need to continue to move in the direction I’m taking us, giving her the security and peace she needs to submit and feel free to float with ease in my current. 

Deep And Wide

The depth of a river carries its current, flowing with purpose towards a destination. It’s width allows for all sorts of options. Different sizes of boats and barges might float on it, kept moving along between the river banks, but they always follow the current, created by the depth. 

Above, I discussed the importance of providing safety for your submissive in the direction and consistency provided by the depth of the Dominant’s purpose. 

But this isn’t to say that Dawn is washed away by my current. My width provides many different ways to come along for the ride in my life…to float on my river. 

As my submissive, she has chosen this ride. To come along where I take her. She’s not forced to be in this river, she chose this river as the one she wants to ride. At any point, she can navigate to the shore, climb out, and walk away. 

But as long as she chooses my river, she has many options. The banks of my river provide the boundaries and safety. They show her all the edges of how far she can wander and explore. 

Limits. Boundaries. Safewords. Desires. Kinks. These are all within my width. 

I may set the direction, and continue moving towards a destination, but her experience of submission can be safely explored in many ways, if I allow her to fully explore my width. She may move to one shore or the other, or splash around in the middle, but she is always safely moving along, and always accepted in the different ways she chooses to explore and navigate. 

I Am The River

Everything in a Dominant/submissive relationship is a two way street.

As I lead, and take Dawn along on this ride with me, it’s up to me to make sure that my focus stays in the right places.

So often, the best thing I can do to lead her is to look inward. To find how I can continue to improve myself and be my best, to give her the best Sir that I’m capable of giving.

Being better is a never ending process. And looking at this analogy from the other perspective has been very emotionally rewarding for both of us.

It’s never all about changing her or bending her to my will. Often, it’s about understanding her, understanding myself, and learning how I can lead the submissive that she is by learning where I can be even better than I am.

And as I learn to embody the lessons in this essay, I watch as she relaxes ever deeper into my current, content to be swept away to wherever I want to take her.