Are you disappointed in me, Sir?

We share a lot of the positive experiences and dynamics that we have, but no relationship has everything perfect all the time.

Ours is pretty great. The disagreements and power struggles in most relationships we see don’t happen much with us, and adding D/s dynamics to our marriage has only helped make the ones we did have go even more smoothly. But even the best road has a bump or two along the way.

*This post was originally published in 2021, and is being reposted now as we move our blog to a new platform. Even though much has changed for us, this story, and the meaning behind it still holds very true and it is being reposted as it was originally written. 

Yesterday, as we went to bed, Dawn asked me if I was disappointed in her.

I had laid out some things that morning that I wanted her to focus on and to do for me to meet my needs and wants, and she hadn’t done them.

As a Dominant, but also as a loving husband, this leaves me with an important decision to make. How do I respond?

I wasn’t pleased that my needs had gone unmet. I also understood why the day had gone as it had.

Understanding Dawn’s submissive Nature

Dawn spent several hours around someone who she loves very much, but who also drains her energy. We don’t spend time around energy vampires as a rule, but when you’re close to someone it’s challenging to find the right balance.

Naturally submissive women are especially prone to having their energy drained by negative people. Especially those with a victim mindset who expect others to fix them and feel pity for their own self inflicted problems. Dawn’s caring heart translates other people’s “poor me” into “I want to help.”

This is a part of why I asked her to become my submissive, after 8 years of a happy vanilla marriage. Her desire to help people was far too easy for her to give away without taking care of herself.

As I explained to her then, she was already submissive. She was willing to submit to the needs of anyone willing to express them. This left her feeling drained and empty quite often, because there are always people who will “need” help, even if they’re completely capable of handling things on their own.

All too often she had nothing left in her emotional tank to give to the emotionally mature people who simply loved and wanted her without needing her. Her emotional reserves were like a bathtub with the drain left open. No matter how much love was poured in, it drained right back out into the people who used her best qualities against her with a rapacious greed.

I wanted to collar her, in part, to channel that submissive nature to me. To the one person who would use it for her own good, rather than drain her by taking the best of her without offering anything in return.

I wanted the power and control over her life to close the drain on the tub. To fill her with love and affection, then to show her how to find pleasure in serving, worshipping, and pleasing me by choosing to do so with a full tub, rather than feeling obligated to find something inside of her that wasn’t there.

Energy Transference

I wrote last week about how Dawn can make the negative energy and stress of decision making disappear by giving control to me, because I don’t get stressed by decision making, and she can just obey. The stress doesn’t get transferred to me, it disappears.

Energy moves between people. In our relationship, when things are working properly, our energy feeds each other. I fill her. She fills me. We share so much love and affection that we’re able to share it with all of you to help the world become a more loving place.

But with what happened in this scenario, that positive energy was moved out of Dawn.

With energy vampires, there is a void inside that can never be filled by others. But to avoid looking inside themselves to the cause of and solution to their emptiness, they will express a “poor me” victim mindset in every encounter, looking for someone to give them a sense of pity.

When they find someone who feels badly for them, they will get a tiny sense of validation from the confirmation of their suffering to stave off the emptiness for a couple more minutes. They don’t realize that they are the drain in the above bathtub analogy, they just need. And need. And need. And rightly so. They feel empty inside. And because they are empty, they can never give in return for what they receive.

Dawn’s deep desire to be helpful and loving and kind is completely set off by this type of person, because all of the giving in the world doesn’t help. Even though the need is not fillable, and can only be fixed by the person who needs, her caring heart wants others to be happy.

Understanding, Self Control, and Needs Unmet

After she finished and came to meet me, I could tell that she wasn’t there. Physically, of course she was. But emotionally, she was gone. Her facial muscles were tight. Her gaze was distant. The tub was empty.

In that moment, I knew what had happened. And I knew that the things I had asked of her were not in the cards for the day.

These are the situations that try a Dominant. Do I have the power to demand that she comply with my desires? Sure. Would taking my needs from her when she has nothing to give me be extremely short sighted and unhelpful in the long term? Yup.

Both sides of the relationship in a 24/7 D/s marriage have needs. And these things are complex, changing, and filled with nuance.

No one likes having their needs go unmet. I had a serious need to feel Dawn’s worship and affection. I needed to be built up, and I wanted that from her.

But getting upset, lashing out, or getting demanding of her would have been a lost cause. So I needed to remind myself of the big picture, rather than focusing on the immediate.

As a Dominant, I put Dawn’s needs before my own. It’s my responsibility in exchange for her surrender. And this was a case of seeing that I needed to put my needs aside temporarily and focus on her.

The Big Picture

So, back to her question. Are you disappointed in me?

“No”, I told her. “I’m not going to use that word.”

Things didn’t go as planned, and I didn’t get what I wanted or needed. But that didn’t make me disappointed in her. What happened wasn’t her deciding that she wasn’t going to give me what I had asked of her. THAT would have been disappointing.

What happened is that she got emptied and had nothing to give me. That’s not disappointing…that just makes me sad.

But I’d have been dishonest if I had just said that it was okay and that I didn’t actually want what I said I wanted that much anyway. That would have just been a flat out lie. Its important that both people in a relationship have their needs met.

But sometimes life isn’t immediate. It’s a bigger picture than just one day.

So I told her that I loved her. I told her that I appreciated the fact that she recognized what happened. I told her that I was proud of her for understanding that she couldn’t force herself to meet my needs.

“Let’s try again tomorrow.”

And I gave her a kiss goodnight.

I didn’t negate my own needs. I didn’t scold her either. I just put the plug back in her bathtub, let her cuddle up next to me, and we went to sleep.

Reflection

If being a Dominant was just about controlling, getting, and taking, I would miss all of the self awareness and personal development that’s possible by taking a conscious approach to leading inside of a relationship.

Maybe what I really needed that day was to learn patience, understanding, and compassion for a situation outside my control. Maybe I needed to grow in my own self control.

Whatever it was, I got an opportunity to learn about myself and to remind myself to see our D/s dynamic as a big picture. Even though I have a tremendously intoxicating amount of authority in my relationship, I love this woman and take my responsibility as her Dominant seriously. I also take my own growth seriously.

Every day gives me an opportunity to grow and improve. To learn from the way life comes, and apply these lessons to make my own life better and to make myself stronger. To be the best I can be for myself, and to give Dawn the best Dominant I can give her.

And when I do, I continue to create space for her submission. To feel safe to give me her everything. To keep learning how and why to keep the plug in her own bathtub to keep herself filled up, so she can feel the pleasure and reward of giving back to me.

Having needs go unmet for a day isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t say anything about me, her, or our relationship. If this went on for a long time, that could be a different story. But that’s not the case here.

Instead, I was reminded to stay within myself and be strong. To protect her with my strength. And to see her for who she is as a person, not judge her submission or her love for me based on a single day.

Your actions don’t define you, my princess. Your sweet, caring, submissive heart does. I will guard it with my life. I can never be disappointed in you when I know your heart, and I’ll continue to love you with every breath. Even and especially on the days when you aren’t able to meet all of my needs. I know you will give me all that you have to give, and who you are is always enough for me.