All Relationships Have Power Dynamics

All relationships have power dynamics. D/s just discusses them openly and negotiates the terms.

Decisions are always made inside of relationships. Most often, what we see in relationships around us, is that one person “wears the pants” and the other is the follower by default. 

The leader is not in charge by negotiated consent, and not arrived at through communication. It’s more like a silent agreement was come to by feeling around in the dark until something worked to keep the peace between the couples.

Sometimes, like in Dawn’s first marriage, the leader assumes that role by being domineering and controlling. She faded into the background, and into her own head, going along as much as she could to keep the peace. This continued until she realized that she had value as a person and deserved to be treated better, and she left the relationship.

In other cases, like in Andrew’s first marriage, the leader assumes that role in a more subversive way. My ex was impossible to please and wasn’t ever happy unless she was getting her way. And when she wasn’t, her attitude would make me miserable until I finally gave in. I ended up resentful, and ended up leaving the relationship because my own needs weren’t met.

Neither of us stood up well for ourselves and set boundaries in these situations until they got so bad that we couldn’t take it anymore.

In some other relationships, equality is the power dynamic that a couple attempts. They try to come to consensus on everything. When this proves impossible, one of the individuals is forced to compromise on their wishes, and the equality is usually found in the fact that both people are equally resentful for all of the sacrifices they've had to make.

If this happens too often in one direction, which it inevitably does, you end up right back in one of the unhealthy situations that either Dawn or I were in. Either one party becoming domineering while the other just goes along and buries their own needs, or one party getting more and more resentful as the other manipulates their way into getting what they want.

In our Dominant/submissive dynamic, these power roles still exist, but they exist in full openness and with communication, consent, and understanding.

Our Power Dynamics

Andrew has complete decision making authority. Along with that authority, he also has complete responsibility for being sure that Dawn’s needs are met.

Dawn defers to Andrew’s decision making authority. In exchange for that deference, she is assured that Andrew will look out for her needs. She is responsible for being sure to communicate her needs. 

Andrew takes the lead in managing finances, planning for the future, planning the structure of the days, among many other things, all with Dawn’s needs and best interest at heart. As a natural leader, he dislikes following other people’s orders and instructions and always prefers to do things in his own way.

Dawn gets stressed and overwhelmed when faced with figuring out big plans plans or being responsible for big decisions, so she benefits by being able to hand this over to Andrew.

Regardless of the issue, the power dynamics work like this.

Andrew takes the lead and assumes the responsibility. He seeks Dawn’s input and feedback when necessary to be sure to understand her needs, and to consider things he may not have thought about. He then makes a decision or establishes a plan. Some things may be delegated to Dawn, some may remain Andrew’s responsibility, but both of us move forward with Andrew’s final decision.

This works well, because it avoids all of the pitfalls of the power structures we outlined above.

My leadership is not the domineering or controlling type she experienced in the past, because I put her needs first and make these decisions with her needs in mind as well as my own.

She is not forced to shrink away or give me what I want to keep the peace. Instead, she is encouraged to give her thoughts and ideas and opinions, and gets to be heard, while letting go of the parts of decision making that cause her stress. I earn her trust by showing how I look out for her needs.

I get to embrace my natural desire to lead and feel her love and respect for doing so. Unlike in my first marriage, she does not use her emotions to manipulate me into getting her way. She accepts and respects my leadership and builds me up, rather than tearing me down…even if my decisions or plans don’t go well.

And we don’t try to chase the false ideal of equality. Often, we agree on things. Other times we don’t. But having communicated and negotiated our power dynamics, we know how we handle these situations, rather than trying to figure them out on the fly.

In this way, D/s has proven to be a MORE healthy relationship dynamic for us. It kills the possibility of resentment, establishes a means for healthy communication, and allows both of us to be at our best.

Opposing Desires

So what happens when we disagree, or when we want things that are opposed?

Needs and wants are two different things. 

If a decision has to be made between two opposing wants, then I get what I want. Dawn has agreed in her submission to follow my decisions. I put her needs before mine, but she puts my wants before hers.

So if we disagree about where we might go for dinner, I will decide, and that’s where we’ll go. There won’t be any arguments about it, and Dawn will happily go along with what I have chosen.

This could sound like we are venturing back into domineering territory, but the key to remember here is that this is a consensual arrangement. This has been discussed and agreed upon ahead of time.

First of all, to be domineering, I would need to be bossing her around often, and without her consent. In truth, she likes me to be happy and have my needs and wants met, and she gets pleasure from pleasing me.

I want her to be happy as well. And in our reality, it is not often that I have to decide something that goes against her wants completely. And if these situations come up, I reserve the right to let her have her way if I so choose, which I do at times. Our relationship certainly is not one where I get everything I want and she just has to deal with it.

Secondly, if I just gave her everything she wanted and needed and put my own wants and needs behind hers, we venture back into where I end up resentful because I’m not getting what I need.

So this exchange assures that we both get our needs met, have our wants looked out for, and that we both get to navigate these things by leaning on our strengths rather than our weaknesses.

Conflict Resolution

The final piece to this is that having negotiated and consensually agreed upon power dynamics makes for easy conflict resolution.

The final responsibility for managing our lives and relationship falls on me, so if there is a disagreement, it is up to me to lead it to a resolution. We don’t play the game of waiting for the other person to apologize or come to us after a conflict, because our negotiated dynamics have a predetermined leader.

And because of these dynamics, we both know what we have agreed to and what is expected of us. Any conflict will end up boiling down to one of just a few possible situations.

Either one of us has failed to live up to our end of the bargain in terms of putting our own needs and wants where we have agreed that they belong, I have failed in taking or executing leadership in some way, or she has failed to let go and hand me the control and allow me to lead.

If I am living up to my leadership responsibility, looking out for Dawn’s needs before mine, but also being sure to get my own needs and wants met with the authority she has granted me, then I am doing my job.

If she is letting me take the lead and following my direction, communicating her needs and desires to me, and is letting go of taking control or responsibility for things that she has given to me, then she is doing her job.

Conclusion

Every relationship has power dynamics. The difference in a Dominant/submissive relationship is that rather than blindly searching for who is in the lead and how to get needs met, we have discussed and made conscious agreements to be sure that we both get what we need, and that we both know who is responsible for leading.

It has made for a healthier, happier, and more harmonious relationship where our communication and conflicts all happen much more smoothly. We both feel more fulfilled, and we both get to live authentically inside of our relationship, free to be fully ourselves without any fear, judgement, or resentment.